abandoned...

I do not know how to start... This is definitely my first time to make a blog, but something in me keeps on pushing to make a post this time even just to ventilate what I've been thinking lately...

I haven't slept well for almost a month now, and if I could, I frequently wake up in the middle of the night feeling disoriented, confused and afraid... During my wake hours, I would ponder on what could have been the reason why a relationship could go wrong in just a blink of an eye…

It was almost a month already when I received the last series of his mobile text messages…”Ingat (take good care)… I love you too…” - from him… after 2 hours he texted again, “pls ayaw na pagtext, gusto ra jud nako mapag-isa… pls ra… wlay kay sala… (pls do not text me anymore, I just wanna be alone…)…

I could think a lot of reasons why he opted to let go of our relationship without even formally, or at least telling me in person about this. I thought at first it was just his usual joke, like, you know, making a schedule to come home in my place, and then when I’d inform my mother to dine with him ahead because I’m still at the my workplace, he’d text me that he wasn’t able to make it on transit because the last trip to my place had already gone… I would be disheartened but would reply back to him anyway that he can always decide to come the next day… only to realize when I came home late at night that he’s in my room already sleeping soundly on my bed…

… I played along calmly because I believed it was just a joke… he didn’t text the next day, and the next day, and the next day… until I was so profoundly afraid to realize it was indeed real…

I called him a week after that, because I wanted to hear him say it out loud that what he had said on his mobile text message was what he had really decided to do… The voice was a bit colder and a bit confused as well… He probably was not ready for the talk… or perhaps he might had been thinking as well, whether he had to retract his words… well, the later is just my wish… but the truth is glaringly written on the wall… we are not couple anymore…

I was not ready for all of this… or so I think… I just can not accept the fact that he has decided to abandon me (I think the word is appropriate), and realizing that a relationship of 7 years could easily go awry…

I know am not being sane… posting how I feel about this and allowing a stranger to read about what’s inside my thoughts and what I feel in my heart will not resolve all this… it will not even make him come back… Maybe… but at least I can ventilate the horrible feeling of loss… right now it dissipates a bit of the pain… yes it helps… especially when all your closest friends, your confidantes are all away, working in other countries…

I believe, I’m not alone…. Somebody else will eventually read this and will assure me, everything will be okay…