He sent me SMS asking for help, and not to greet me on my birthday… I know it was his way of getting my attention because he knew full well that I would help him. I didn’t, and I harshly replied back with cussing and profane words, calling him names and condemning him for difficult life…
When I was done, all my bad energies exhausted and bad words ferried towards his cp number, I felt drained as well. I thought it could unload my pain and revulsion but I was not ultimately resolved. I am not happy I’ve uttered words with so much abhorrence. It wasn’t guilt that I felt afterwards, it was more than that.
I thought a little revenge such as that could appease my soul. It didn’t… I am unfortunately more in pain than before such utterance. And he is becoming more insidious in sending me bad text messages than before… even until this moment when I’m writing this…
How can I move on! How can I get away!...
If this is a war, I have a feeling i will not win this over... If i can, I would be too wasted to live...
Saturday, July 4, 2009
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
plucking off the scab
I sometimes think that I can easily take things lightly no matter how serious the issue would be. But yesterday I was like being struck by thunderbolt, I felt terribly awful. I learned that Biboy’s gf is in fact pregnant for more than 4 months, so that means, they were into that long before he decided to break up with me.
I realize now that one of the major reason’s why he decided to let go of our relationship was that his gf is pregnant. I am confused. I can not define how I suppose to feel. I just know that it is terribly painful and I felt like I am being scorned twice.
For the past two months I have survived being alone and has started rising from solitary recluse, have manage to enjoy life by doing things I don’t normally do. I recently accommodated three to four lovers and have done a marathon of sexual congress spontaneously to three of them. I become a whore, so is my bed. The boys/men I accommodated wildly did not even realize that they were actually alternating, only one of them has been introduced to my family just the way Biboy was during his time. I do not know how long I gonna do this to myself, but I can’t think of a better way to occupy my thoughts during my waking hours. I might be harsh on myself, or to them, but while I was on the verge to any of this activities with this men, they didn’t know that every time I arc my head, I would be looking at his picture on my wall. Insane really, but I think nothing is sane in my life at the moment.
Recently, I am able to introduce one of them to our home. He would sometimes join dinner with us, and my mother would not bother realizing that he is actually sleeping in my room occasionally. So I thought I am almost, almost resolved. But when I heard about the news yesterday, It feels like, I have a wound that’s about to be healed but the scab was plucked even before it dried completely. Now it is bleeding back profusely again.
I want to shout! I want to cry! I want to condemn them… I want to avenge for the pain inflicted… but I also know, it is not a healthy feeling… should I just let myself be scourged by this? All I want for now is for this to just wane away… but every time I feel like I’m almost healed, a part of him would keep coming back to spawn more pain…
I realize now that one of the major reason’s why he decided to let go of our relationship was that his gf is pregnant. I am confused. I can not define how I suppose to feel. I just know that it is terribly painful and I felt like I am being scorned twice.
For the past two months I have survived being alone and has started rising from solitary recluse, have manage to enjoy life by doing things I don’t normally do. I recently accommodated three to four lovers and have done a marathon of sexual congress spontaneously to three of them. I become a whore, so is my bed. The boys/men I accommodated wildly did not even realize that they were actually alternating, only one of them has been introduced to my family just the way Biboy was during his time. I do not know how long I gonna do this to myself, but I can’t think of a better way to occupy my thoughts during my waking hours. I might be harsh on myself, or to them, but while I was on the verge to any of this activities with this men, they didn’t know that every time I arc my head, I would be looking at his picture on my wall. Insane really, but I think nothing is sane in my life at the moment.
Recently, I am able to introduce one of them to our home. He would sometimes join dinner with us, and my mother would not bother realizing that he is actually sleeping in my room occasionally. So I thought I am almost, almost resolved. But when I heard about the news yesterday, It feels like, I have a wound that’s about to be healed but the scab was plucked even before it dried completely. Now it is bleeding back profusely again.
I want to shout! I want to cry! I want to condemn them… I want to avenge for the pain inflicted… but I also know, it is not a healthy feeling… should I just let myself be scourged by this? All I want for now is for this to just wane away… but every time I feel like I’m almost healed, a part of him would keep coming back to spawn more pain…
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
