plucking off the scab

I sometimes think that I can easily take things lightly no matter how serious the issue would be. But yesterday I was like being struck by thunderbolt, I felt terribly awful. I learned that Biboy’s gf is in fact pregnant for more than 4 months, so that means, they were into that long before he decided to break up with me.

I realize now that one of the major reason’s why he decided to let go of our relationship was that his gf is pregnant. I am confused. I can not define how I suppose to feel. I just know that it is terribly painful and I felt like I am being scorned twice.

For the past two months I have survived being alone and has started rising from solitary recluse, have manage to enjoy life by doing things I don’t normally do. I recently accommodated three to four lovers and have done a marathon of sexual congress spontaneously to three of them. I become a whore, so is my bed. The boys/men I accommodated wildly did not even realize that they were actually alternating, only one of them has been introduced to my family just the way Biboy was during his time. I do not know how long I gonna do this to myself, but I can’t think of a better way to occupy my thoughts during my waking hours. I might be harsh on myself, or to them, but while I was on the verge to any of this activities with this men, they didn’t know that every time I arc my head, I would be looking at his picture on my wall. Insane really, but I think nothing is sane in my life at the moment.

Recently, I am able to introduce one of them to our home. He would sometimes join dinner with us, and my mother would not bother realizing that he is actually sleeping in my room occasionally. So I thought I am almost, almost resolved. But when I heard about the news yesterday, It feels like, I have a wound that’s about to be healed but the scab was plucked even before it dried completely. Now it is bleeding back profusely again.

I want to shout! I want to cry! I want to condemn them… I want to avenge for the pain inflicted… but I also know, it is not a healthy feeling… should I just let myself be scourged by this? All I want for now is for this to just wane away… but every time I feel like I’m almost healed, a part of him would keep coming back to spawn more pain…

tattooed on my mind

I can’t understand myself lately. Pain and enormous boredom has taken a bad toll on my usual vigor towards work and people… In spite of this, I’m not scheming to do some nasty things and create a sinister act that will harm those who are around me. And if I have a magic wand, I could have used it to make me disappear instead in this part of the world. I have a feeling that everything here is turning against my own path on my personal pursuit of happiness.

I just wish that things would be the same as it was few months ago when all I care about this world was (or is, as categorically I still do) the person I love so much…it’s been more than three months already…but just thinking about it now, and the way we were before would generate some sort of lump on my throat, it seems like it’s more comforting to just cry, than suppress sobs and tears…

I still have pictures of his faces on my bedroom wall. I still use our common toothbrush occasionally. I still sleep on his boardshorts… and it would be so dishonest if I won’t admit, I still long to sleep with him like the way we use to when we were still couple…

I even browse my old personal journal books and recall entries/dates when we were together. I know it’s not a good idea to do that, but it is like a panacea for me, it can take out some pain while recalling the good times together… the effect however is just palliative, because once I’d go back to reality I can not do something to spurn out the source of pain and emptiness. Well, separation anxiety is not an issue I can handle too well …

the final closure

So there is a girl who has offered more than enough love that he’d allowed himself to be swept carelessly away… I wished to talk to her and know her in person, but what’s the point? I know it will kill me seeing the person who stole him away from me. The way it goes, it seemed like he is terribly in love with that girl and then I realized that if I do have the same love, or if mine was more than she could offer, I think I needed to let him go because that will make him happier..

I never realized, although I suspected that there is this third person… I learned that they had been together for over 3 months, it was finally the girl who sent me a SMS the other day using his phone to make me realize that she really does exist and that I’ve no right to bother them again. I called to confirm and I heard the girl’s voice… its like I’m allowing a person to stab me at my heart and I submitted to pain and savor the piercing and excruciating injury…

Suddenly it became clear why he was behaving differently in the past few months… Should I hate him because he finally found someone just right for him? I know I could not offer him everything especially his need for heterosexual longings…

Ate Warly, (the mother of his best friend, John) tried to convince both of us to talk to each other just so we can move on without hating each other…. Although I know that it is not the point why we had to, since no matter how I would try to find ways to hate him, I couldn’t. I love him just intensely as I have loved him before. I love him all the time and I still love him desperately until now…

My mind seems to conspire with my heart sometimes to make certain effort to fight for this relationship. I know the people around me keeps on reminding me there’s certainly no more reason to keep this relationship intact.

He had decided to end this firmly without any second thoughts, he was certainly definite when he uttered his words of goodbye. He had said some painful words I never thought he could say. I’d wished I never have to hear his harsh words, but I would agree later that it helped having heard the painful truth he had been keeping to himself, because I knew it will aid for my moving on… but just like what I said earlier it will not take away all my love for him.

My heart is certainly stubborn. Perhaps I am a little bit masochistic, only that there is no apparent pleasure in having realized that I am ultimately being abandoned by the very person I wanted to keep forever…