Sleepless nights could probably make your soul levitate and wander into familiar places with unfamiliar ambience… I just thought that perhaps this is how our psyche would react to certain common things and events that abruptly ceased to exist…
Like when I am home, I know the place very well and I know the usual things I’d do and I feel the usual lightness of just being there and the thought that I am okay because then somewhere several miles from where I am he is okay too… but yesterday and the last few days after he vanished, it just seemed different even when I’m in the same world…
Recently however, I’d be aware that I am home and I am lying on my bed pretending to understand the book that I am reading... yet it seemed to be that my soul does not exist in that room, my thoughts is somewhere else, it could not understand what I’m reading, it could not process the various wavelengths of noise it heard, it could not interpret how to feel the coolness of the room in the afternoon wind… my feelings is even numb it could not construe what pain to suffer, what grief to console, what love to protect, what affection to pursue, what passion to desire and what sexual longing to satiate…
I think I’m in denial stage… I e-mailed to ask a psychologist-friend who is now living in a far away country about this because I do not seem to think and feel like normal… I knew what exact words she would tell me because she advised and consoled me before about similar issue, and this is not precisely my first time… I have lost a 9-yr relationship before, but the last one was different…
I wondered why I just can’t cry easily, grieve deeply, so I would be resolved and forget the whole thing (without pretending) afterwards and then move on?...
I have read sometime, somewhere that when your system can not accept the event and you are still in denial you will have to suffer the trauma much longer. If it is then, I guess I’m not about to get over him yet…
If I have to be honest with myself, I can tell that there is just one single thought that is lurking in my mind… that someday, somehow he will manage to come back… and that is certainly the only prayer I am silently chanting in my heart…
i got to say, this was your best post. :-)
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