another night with LC...

The second day of the Congress went well without any such remarkable events. I just sat there at our usual table and did not move to other rooms during the simultaneous sessions. When the 1^st plenary session was over at the start of the day the rest of my companions including Kenneth moved to seek for better topics while I was fixed at the chair where I sat because I was busy doing my blog.

The 2^nd day was definitely not exciting. Or perhaps I was just too fixated to the event of that previous night. I still had his smell on my nostrils and the memory was too fresh to savor. I made a peek at his booth before going in the Hall. He didn’t see me passed by, he was so serious at his laptop. Later I would be on mine too making a blog, and it was solely about what had happened during that previous night with him.

Two of my companions were looking at my blog while I was busy typing for another posting. They were so amused they didn’t expect it could lead that way although one of them said that she realized it could possibly happen, the fact that he accepted the invitation for the KTV chu-chu! Well, the blog posting had actually spared me from explaining to them what transpired during that evening, I just let them read it.

Later in the afternoon I sent SMS to his # asking whether he had decided to transfer to our room. He said he had already found another accommodation that’s far better than where he checked-in the previous day. I couldn’t help asking him again to just drop the accommodation and go with us at the hotel where I and Ken stayed. He said he can’t, and went on to remark further that he needed a better sleep… he said however that we have to dine together that night. So I waited until the evening…

He was already at the lobby when I went down. I was so glad as well Kenneth were with his cousins and they took Ken somewhere else; by that I would be alone with him and it would be less awkward for us to talk about things we needed to know from each other. He acted as guide since he knew the place better than I do. I’ve been to Tagbilaran City twice only, while he’s too familiar with the place as it is his market area. Like I said, he is the Account Executive of their company covering the Central Visayaz area.

He took me to a Mongolian Fastfood and we ordered food that is only familiar to him, I just let him took the reins, he seemed to know things like this, while I also know things like what I did to him the previous night, (hehehe). Later he would prove me wrong, he would confide to have excelled even to the latter… but not to people like me, but to straight girls (and over a hundred times to different girls)… hmmmm..

During the dinner, I asked him courageously about what he thought on what happened between us the other night. He remarked back without apprehension or remorse, that he didn’t like it, although he enjoyed the act. He said that it was not suppose to mean anything, he just did that because he was so curious about doing it with a gay and I was someone he could possibly trust. (Perhaps I couldn’t be trusted precisely since I was on the verge of broadcasting what happened to us to all my closest friends…). Well, I haven’t revealed his identity yet although some of my friends were able to see the face and know the name of the guy via blogging and friendster. I just hope he wouldn’t be able to discover my blogsite and read blogs about him.

After the dinner he asked me to walk with him around city and to the pier so he would know the schedules for the next day’s trips. We argued on certain things while we were on our way; like I insinuated that he just didn’t like to admit he really like being pursued by gays and he like being sexually involved with persons like me. He would insist however that he is a straight-male individual and there’s no way he would be involved passionately into a homosexual relationship. Of course I didn’t delve too much on the issue for fear I might lose my chances of getting laid again by this cute guy.

I have to admit it was so interesting to have talked with him on various things, I didn’t even notice we have walked to and fro between the hotel and the pier. Sometimes when I get too serious and argumentative, he would put on a stupid face and we would laugh together like we really knew each other for so long. He stayed at the hotel for a while and we continued talking more seriously, and occasionally I would ask him to stay again for the night. He was so adamant not to, he said it was enough that we did it once. He said it again that he doesn’t like to be involved, he just wanted us to be friends.

I wish we can be more than that. I would have wished to have him for me forever. I know my being desperate had made me long for another lover but I have to admit as well that of all the guys who could be available at this present time, he is the most lovable, passionate (quite in bed) and affectionate as well. I know also that it was still so short a time to consider him that, but I really have an enormous and unexplainable affinity towards him. The rest of my friends who attended the PCC who knew what happened between us would comment that he was indeed a nice catch.

Kenneth caught us talking in my bed when he arrived at around 10pm, so Ken had decided to go down the bar to look for preys as well. I know he was trying to give us space.

Well he stayed until almost midnight, we talked some more until we barely answer each other back because we were both sleepy already.

When he left, he didn’t look back. When I asked why thru SMS, he replied that he doesn’t like to be held back.

Its cliché but its true, some good things can not be kept forever. The whole experience could be imprinted in my soul forever, and its something that I would replay in my memory for as long as I could possibly recall. I only have his picture (taken by Ken during the last Plenary session) his number and his e-mail address but I do not have any assurance I could see him back again… the way he spoke on me that night, he seemed like to mean that it was suppose to be like a one-time-thing only…

I hope the universe will someday conspire to make our path cross again…

a chemist... a whore (in short, datla)...

I do not know if I should be elated or depressed… I honestly have a mixture of feelings. Recently, I feel anxious about coming here because I was thinking it wouldn’t help much to forget the ordeal of erasing an important person from your system. It is certainly not like an electrical switch that you just snap the knob off if you want to erase the person or event from your head. I can not do it that way, but I’m on my way of working it out…

Just now though I feel like being levitated into an unknown space, the feeling is so familiarly blissful (or just a little bit less of it)…

I think I should be gladder that I’m here in Bohol Island, attending this too nerdy and academic Philippine Chemistry Congress… Honestly, I am quite amused I have seen quite a number of interesting things, meet old friends and new ones, and making small unpredicted conquers…

Let me focus yet to the latter – the conquer… I usually go around at the product exhibitors’ booths just to collect product manuals and give-aways. This time I was able to pass a certain area where a cute guy is attending their booth. I didn’t notice his cuteness actually at first, but later I would discover while talking with him about a certain inquiry that he was indeed quite good-looking than the rest of other guys I saw that morning in the hall. When I was done with my inquiry I went on to see other booths and was suddenly halted by that guy. He told me that he just found on their network the thing that I was looking for, and we talk further about the issue… I suddenly realized that perhaps that simple common event – us, talking; and him, chasing after me when we were suppose to be done just so we can extend our time together – I think, that was suppose to mean something. Later I would discover more about him… and his body…

The congress went on normally as it used to be, but most of the time however the activities would go slogging, and my companion, who is also a gay chemist from Surigao and my long time friend, would badger the rest of our colleagues about his comments on the slowness and the uncoordinated management of the whole activities... I wasn’t too concern about it, I decided to attend because I just wanted to get away from my miseries… well, for sure, I haven’t wallowed on my sadness ever since my arrival in this Island.

The night was more fascinating. We attended the Fellowship Dinner at the bay view of Bohol Tropics (the venue). For the first time in my life I saw and heard the angelic voices of the world renowned kids who composed the Loboc Choir. I sat at the table composed of MSU ChemFolks and the conversation revolved around the topics pertaining solely to Chemistry and old friends.

Later in the night, we decided to go somewhere, a bar, before we would go back to our individual hotels. Kenneth and I are staying together in a double occupancy room so that we can minimize our expenses for accommodation. So we went to a KTV Bar, and I realized that the private room we took for the group was big enough for us (there were 5 of us, Aying, Aisah, Kenneth and Maam Cecille also from Surigao). I decided to invite him (the guy I met at the booth) by sending him a SMS although I was not precisely sure he would accept the invitation. I was so grateful he did reply to my message. Even though he replied, I still didn’t hoped too much he would really come since I was just thinking that perhaps he just replied to appear being polite but he didn’t really had any thoughts of coming in the first place.

After several minutes he really did come, I was a bit surprised because he didn’t even send me a text back. Later I would find out that he had been texting me on his way to our venue but I didn’t receive them because of my mobile’s poor network’s reception… hmmm..

We did a terrible rendition of various songs! Birit to the max!!! One of the things I discovered about him was that he can sing a song, nicely and his diction was good. Actually I was impressed. He also had a nice voice… I was playing devilish when I feel like I was already a bit drunk. Sometimes I would talk so close to his right ear, because the sounds were so loud, that I almost seemed to kiss his earlobes. When we were about to go out, I asked him about where he’s staying. He would answer that he’s staying near the location of the Congress but he doesn’t like the accommodation there. I teased him to go with me even just for the night, at least ours is a little better. He said yes without apprehension. I asked him ”is it okay with you if we sleep together in one bed?” He answered “sure thing, I know it’s cold there with your aircon, right?” I said “Yes, we can cuddle each other…” he smirked… So it goes….

We took his laptop from his hotel before we got to where I stayed. Kenneth went ahead of us. When we get to our room, Kenneth was still awake. I know Kenneth was trying to project (the verb sound) that he was expecting the guy would come with me… He (the guy) also tried to project that he too is being expected, I know it would seem like awkward, but I was amused how he played it calmly…

After refreshing, he went to my bed, it seemed like he knew that set–up : )… I followed him after switching off the light and I cuddled at his body.

His scent was good and he is not bony I really like cuddling to him… I do not know why I like it when most of the time I like boys with slim and lean bodies. Perhaps I was just too hungry, hehehe… I realized I’ve never had a good f—k for almost a month now. I could sense that my temperature had risen higher than normal. He was also cooperative, like when I crossed my right leg to his groin he’d move his hips as cue to start the ritual…

I hopped on top of his groin assuming the cowgirl position – coitus rectales (his penetration was not painful, in fact it’s the other way around because I can manage the pain when I’m on top). I do not know how he’d managed to participate to my initiation without so much fuss, any resistance or qualm. He even behaved well when I put on the rubber to his genital. He is one of the very few guys who’d submit almost completely, although he is not the type who moans and fakes just to show that he really was enjoying the act of sexual congress. Well I also like guys who behave that way…

Right after the fleeting bliss I found out that he wasn’t done yet, so I had to assume another position that I think would facilitate faster for his o-------. I’d wish to do it again but I also realized that we were both too exhausted from too much drink and that. I f I would, I’m afraid we might wake up the next morning totally naked because we couldn’t managed to put on back our clothes out of exhaustion. What a joke it would be if it would have been that way and realized that Kenneth would be busy by then documenting the scene, 

the final closure

So there is a girl who has offered more than enough love that he’d allowed himself to be swept carelessly away… I wished to talk to her and know her in person, but what’s the point? I know it will kill me seeing the person who stole him away from me. The way it goes, it seemed like he is terribly in love with that girl and then I realized that if I do have the same love, or if mine was more than she could offer, I think I needed to let him go because that will make him happier..

I never realized, although I suspected that there is this third person… I learned that they had been together for over 3 months, it was finally the girl who sent me a SMS the other day using his phone to make me realize that she really does exist and that I’ve no right to bother them again. I called to confirm and I heard the girl’s voice… its like I’m allowing a person to stab me at my heart and I submitted to pain and savor the piercing and excruciating injury…

Suddenly it became clear why he was behaving differently in the past few months… Should I hate him because he finally found someone just right for him? I know I could not offer him everything especially his need for heterosexual longings…

Ate Warly, (the mother of his best friend, John) tried to convince both of us to talk to each other just so we can move on without hating each other…. Although I know that it is not the point why we had to, since no matter how I would try to find ways to hate him, I couldn’t. I love him just intensely as I have loved him before. I love him all the time and I still love him desperately until now…

My mind seems to conspire with my heart sometimes to make certain effort to fight for this relationship. I know the people around me keeps on reminding me there’s certainly no more reason to keep this relationship intact.

He had decided to end this firmly without any second thoughts, he was certainly definite when he uttered his words of goodbye. He had said some painful words I never thought he could say. I’d wished I never have to hear his harsh words, but I would agree later that it helped having heard the painful truth he had been keeping to himself, because I knew it will aid for my moving on… but just like what I said earlier it will not take away all my love for him.

My heart is certainly stubborn. Perhaps I am a little bit masochistic, only that there is no apparent pleasure in having realized that I am ultimately being abandoned by the very person I wanted to keep forever…

a lost, restless soul

Sleepless nights could probably make your soul levitate and wander into familiar places with unfamiliar ambience… I just thought that perhaps this is how our psyche would react to certain common things and events that abruptly ceased to exist…

Like when I am home, I know the place very well and I know the usual things I’d do and I feel the usual lightness of just being there and the thought that I am okay because then somewhere several miles from where I am he is okay too… but yesterday and the last few days after he vanished, it just seemed different even when I’m in the same world…

Recently however, I’d be aware that I am home and I am lying on my bed pretending to understand the book that I am reading... yet it seemed to be that my soul does not exist in that room, my thoughts is somewhere else, it could not understand what I’m reading, it could not process the various wavelengths of noise it heard, it could not interpret how to feel the coolness of the room in the afternoon wind… my feelings is even numb it could not construe what pain to suffer, what grief to console, what love to protect, what affection to pursue, what passion to desire and what sexual longing to satiate…

I think I’m in denial stage… I e-mailed to ask a psychologist-friend who is now living in a far away country about this because I do not seem to think and feel like normal… I knew what exact words she would tell me because she advised and consoled me before about similar issue, and this is not precisely my first time… I have lost a 9-yr relationship before, but the last one was different…

I wondered why I just can’t cry easily, grieve deeply, so I would be resolved and forget the whole thing (without pretending) afterwards and then move on?...

I have read sometime, somewhere that when your system can not accept the event and you are still in denial you will have to suffer the trauma much longer. If it is then, I guess I’m not about to get over him yet…

If I have to be honest with myself, I can tell that there is just one single thought that is lurking in my mind… that someday, somehow he will manage to come back… and that is certainly the only prayer I am silently chanting in my heart…

abandoned...

I do not know how to start... This is definitely my first time to make a blog, but something in me keeps on pushing to make a post this time even just to ventilate what I've been thinking lately...

I haven't slept well for almost a month now, and if I could, I frequently wake up in the middle of the night feeling disoriented, confused and afraid... During my wake hours, I would ponder on what could have been the reason why a relationship could go wrong in just a blink of an eye…

It was almost a month already when I received the last series of his mobile text messages…”Ingat (take good care)… I love you too…” - from him… after 2 hours he texted again, “pls ayaw na pagtext, gusto ra jud nako mapag-isa… pls ra… wlay kay sala… (pls do not text me anymore, I just wanna be alone…)…

I could think a lot of reasons why he opted to let go of our relationship without even formally, or at least telling me in person about this. I thought at first it was just his usual joke, like, you know, making a schedule to come home in my place, and then when I’d inform my mother to dine with him ahead because I’m still at the my workplace, he’d text me that he wasn’t able to make it on transit because the last trip to my place had already gone… I would be disheartened but would reply back to him anyway that he can always decide to come the next day… only to realize when I came home late at night that he’s in my room already sleeping soundly on my bed…

… I played along calmly because I believed it was just a joke… he didn’t text the next day, and the next day, and the next day… until I was so profoundly afraid to realize it was indeed real…

I called him a week after that, because I wanted to hear him say it out loud that what he had said on his mobile text message was what he had really decided to do… The voice was a bit colder and a bit confused as well… He probably was not ready for the talk… or perhaps he might had been thinking as well, whether he had to retract his words… well, the later is just my wish… but the truth is glaringly written on the wall… we are not couple anymore…

I was not ready for all of this… or so I think… I just can not accept the fact that he has decided to abandon me (I think the word is appropriate), and realizing that a relationship of 7 years could easily go awry…

I know am not being sane… posting how I feel about this and allowing a stranger to read about what’s inside my thoughts and what I feel in my heart will not resolve all this… it will not even make him come back… Maybe… but at least I can ventilate the horrible feeling of loss… right now it dissipates a bit of the pain… yes it helps… especially when all your closest friends, your confidantes are all away, working in other countries…

I believe, I’m not alone…. Somebody else will eventually read this and will assure me, everything will be okay…