I can’t understand myself lately. Pain and enormous boredom has taken a bad toll on my usual vigor towards work and people… In spite of this, I’m not scheming to do some nasty things and create a sinister act that will harm those who are around me. And if I have a magic wand, I could have used it to make me disappear instead in this part of the world. I have a feeling that everything here is turning against my own path on my personal pursuit of happiness.
I just wish that things would be the same as it was few months ago when all I care about this world was (or is, as categorically I still do) the person I love so much…it’s been more than three months already…but just thinking about it now, and the way we were before would generate some sort of lump on my throat, it seems like it’s more comforting to just cry, than suppress sobs and tears…
I still have pictures of his faces on my bedroom wall. I still use our common toothbrush occasionally. I still sleep on his boardshorts… and it would be so dishonest if I won’t admit, I still long to sleep with him like the way we use to when we were still couple…
I even browse my old personal journal books and recall entries/dates when we were together. I know it’s not a good idea to do that, but it is like a panacea for me, it can take out some pain while recalling the good times together… the effect however is just palliative, because once I’d go back to reality I can not do something to spurn out the source of pain and emptiness. Well, separation anxiety is not an issue I can handle too well …
Saturday, June 13, 2009
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
the longing soul
(written while thinking pensively about going away from present work and home)
I don’t want to be desperate. I’ve tried hard to be happy in every which way for the past days… seems like nothing and no one, unfortunately, makes my day worth living… What keeps me going recently is the hope that somehow the life of this soul inside my body will experience some sort of upgraded vitality regardless of some unmet longing for quality life and quality relationships, be it with my family or my lover/s (take note of the extended –s-, I’m actually considering going on a freelance erotic relationships)… I still have some quality friends anyway, although they are literally far from my abode they are within reach anyhow…
I am numb, I think… Perhaps I am also becoming escapists, or was I, even before this awareness had emanated from somewhere else? I know there are things, big things, I need to reconcile while my world is not being swallowed by unrequited love affairs or by unsatisfying and deceitful familial affairs/matters.
We usually worked too hard, fought everyday to make life worth living because there are some very good reasons to live for. Now I am asking myself that very question; what do I live for?
Its so amusing, my way of living is so simple, and I am traversing everyday in a very insignificant place, but I do not seem to act on making this life more interesting. I said simple because it is so in a lot of ways…
I do not have a house, I have written about that here not so long ago. I do not have a car or a car loan to think about. I do not have the most expensive techno-gadgets to bustle about, if I have, it is only this laptop that I am using to make reports or minutes of our COOP meetings. I do not have expensive clothes, and my choices in my wardrobe (as if I have one… ) are just in between work clothes/uniforms and household garments. And I do not have a very significant idea to mull about.
And yet… yet everyday, I would wake up with my head full of things to think about, or worry about… Should I reply to Biboy’s text messages and try to cater his needs even if in reality we don’t have to because we have decided to separate ways already? Should I be amiable and civil to my traitor cousin who always leers whenever we cross each other at the house yard because we are neighbors as we are relatives? Should I be tolerant to my co-workers even if I have these silent curses every time I heard them make bad comments and back bites the passers-by at the lab? Should I be considerate to those in my workplace who are bragging about what they have done to the Company even if they do not have the smallest iota of know-how about their work and what they’ve done is making more work less easy for those who truly are capable and learned workers? Should I be contended with what I have at present even if my heart longs for a convenient, comfortable and worry-free lifestyle?
I have always long for adventure, I always wanted to be somewhere else other than this backward, unsophisticated place. I always long to be in some colorful place wherein I can see and meet people who can appreciate art, good music (when I say good, its not something loud and monotonous) and facilitate discussion about more interesting things and not just about talking at other peoples’ backs. I long to wake up in the morning where I can listen to unfamiliar earthly sounds of creature I’ve never seen before and not about the incomprehensible yelling of my neighbors. I long to poke my head on my room’s window to see a beautiful garden or perhaps a nice scenery or landscape and not the boring site of rice paddies…
But here I am living in a countryside area where all I can see are familiar greeneries of bananas, coconut trees and ricefields. I wonder what other species of flora I can see in my lifetime. I interact and go along with people everyday who believe more on witches and ghosts, and talk insidiously about other people’s affairs. I work in an area where diligence, ingenuity and initiative are not the basis of assessing good workmanship but how one sticks into our bosses asses or how ones’ name tags relate that to our superiors’.
I sometimes think this is not where I suppose to be. But if I go somewhere else, could I make my life better? This place is my home and the people here are my tribe. How can I possibly make this better if I will go away and escape to somewhere else more fascinating than this area. Perhaps I have to hold on yet to what I have here while it is still bearable. I am not sure if there is something I can do to make life worth-living here but as long as I do not feel like I’m being swallowed to this system I think I can win to make my life here fervently meaningful.
Somehow I believe the days to come might bring some unexpected events that will bring colors to every turns of the clock. Or perhaps a passionate person might come to bring aflame to my numbing heart. Whatever it is that is yet to come, I still have a speck of hope that everything in my end will be better… and if it will be, I hope it would be so soon, because hope is all that I have right now…
I don’t want to be desperate. I’ve tried hard to be happy in every which way for the past days… seems like nothing and no one, unfortunately, makes my day worth living… What keeps me going recently is the hope that somehow the life of this soul inside my body will experience some sort of upgraded vitality regardless of some unmet longing for quality life and quality relationships, be it with my family or my lover/s (take note of the extended –s-, I’m actually considering going on a freelance erotic relationships)… I still have some quality friends anyway, although they are literally far from my abode they are within reach anyhow…
I am numb, I think… Perhaps I am also becoming escapists, or was I, even before this awareness had emanated from somewhere else? I know there are things, big things, I need to reconcile while my world is not being swallowed by unrequited love affairs or by unsatisfying and deceitful familial affairs/matters.
We usually worked too hard, fought everyday to make life worth living because there are some very good reasons to live for. Now I am asking myself that very question; what do I live for?
Its so amusing, my way of living is so simple, and I am traversing everyday in a very insignificant place, but I do not seem to act on making this life more interesting. I said simple because it is so in a lot of ways…
I do not have a house, I have written about that here not so long ago. I do not have a car or a car loan to think about. I do not have the most expensive techno-gadgets to bustle about, if I have, it is only this laptop that I am using to make reports or minutes of our COOP meetings. I do not have expensive clothes, and my choices in my wardrobe (as if I have one… ) are just in between work clothes/uniforms and household garments. And I do not have a very significant idea to mull about.
And yet… yet everyday, I would wake up with my head full of things to think about, or worry about… Should I reply to Biboy’s text messages and try to cater his needs even if in reality we don’t have to because we have decided to separate ways already? Should I be amiable and civil to my traitor cousin who always leers whenever we cross each other at the house yard because we are neighbors as we are relatives? Should I be tolerant to my co-workers even if I have these silent curses every time I heard them make bad comments and back bites the passers-by at the lab? Should I be considerate to those in my workplace who are bragging about what they have done to the Company even if they do not have the smallest iota of know-how about their work and what they’ve done is making more work less easy for those who truly are capable and learned workers? Should I be contended with what I have at present even if my heart longs for a convenient, comfortable and worry-free lifestyle?
I have always long for adventure, I always wanted to be somewhere else other than this backward, unsophisticated place. I always long to be in some colorful place wherein I can see and meet people who can appreciate art, good music (when I say good, its not something loud and monotonous) and facilitate discussion about more interesting things and not just about talking at other peoples’ backs. I long to wake up in the morning where I can listen to unfamiliar earthly sounds of creature I’ve never seen before and not about the incomprehensible yelling of my neighbors. I long to poke my head on my room’s window to see a beautiful garden or perhaps a nice scenery or landscape and not the boring site of rice paddies…
But here I am living in a countryside area where all I can see are familiar greeneries of bananas, coconut trees and ricefields. I wonder what other species of flora I can see in my lifetime. I interact and go along with people everyday who believe more on witches and ghosts, and talk insidiously about other people’s affairs. I work in an area where diligence, ingenuity and initiative are not the basis of assessing good workmanship but how one sticks into our bosses asses or how ones’ name tags relate that to our superiors’.
I sometimes think this is not where I suppose to be. But if I go somewhere else, could I make my life better? This place is my home and the people here are my tribe. How can I possibly make this better if I will go away and escape to somewhere else more fascinating than this area. Perhaps I have to hold on yet to what I have here while it is still bearable. I am not sure if there is something I can do to make life worth-living here but as long as I do not feel like I’m being swallowed to this system I think I can win to make my life here fervently meaningful.
Somehow I believe the days to come might bring some unexpected events that will bring colors to every turns of the clock. Or perhaps a passionate person might come to bring aflame to my numbing heart. Whatever it is that is yet to come, I still have a speck of hope that everything in my end will be better… and if it will be, I hope it would be so soon, because hope is all that I have right now…
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