a lost, restless soul

Sleepless nights could probably make your soul levitate and wander into familiar places with unfamiliar ambience… I just thought that perhaps this is how our psyche would react to certain common things and events that abruptly ceased to exist…

Like when I am home, I know the place very well and I know the usual things I’d do and I feel the usual lightness of just being there and the thought that I am okay because then somewhere several miles from where I am he is okay too… but yesterday and the last few days after he vanished, it just seemed different even when I’m in the same world…

Recently however, I’d be aware that I am home and I am lying on my bed pretending to understand the book that I am reading... yet it seemed to be that my soul does not exist in that room, my thoughts is somewhere else, it could not understand what I’m reading, it could not process the various wavelengths of noise it heard, it could not interpret how to feel the coolness of the room in the afternoon wind… my feelings is even numb it could not construe what pain to suffer, what grief to console, what love to protect, what affection to pursue, what passion to desire and what sexual longing to satiate…

I think I’m in denial stage… I e-mailed to ask a psychologist-friend who is now living in a far away country about this because I do not seem to think and feel like normal… I knew what exact words she would tell me because she advised and consoled me before about similar issue, and this is not precisely my first time… I have lost a 9-yr relationship before, but the last one was different…

I wondered why I just can’t cry easily, grieve deeply, so I would be resolved and forget the whole thing (without pretending) afterwards and then move on?...

I have read sometime, somewhere that when your system can not accept the event and you are still in denial you will have to suffer the trauma much longer. If it is then, I guess I’m not about to get over him yet…

If I have to be honest with myself, I can tell that there is just one single thought that is lurking in my mind… that someday, somehow he will manage to come back… and that is certainly the only prayer I am silently chanting in my heart…

abandoned...

I do not know how to start... This is definitely my first time to make a blog, but something in me keeps on pushing to make a post this time even just to ventilate what I've been thinking lately...

I haven't slept well for almost a month now, and if I could, I frequently wake up in the middle of the night feeling disoriented, confused and afraid... During my wake hours, I would ponder on what could have been the reason why a relationship could go wrong in just a blink of an eye…

It was almost a month already when I received the last series of his mobile text messages…”Ingat (take good care)… I love you too…” - from him… after 2 hours he texted again, “pls ayaw na pagtext, gusto ra jud nako mapag-isa… pls ra… wlay kay sala… (pls do not text me anymore, I just wanna be alone…)…

I could think a lot of reasons why he opted to let go of our relationship without even formally, or at least telling me in person about this. I thought at first it was just his usual joke, like, you know, making a schedule to come home in my place, and then when I’d inform my mother to dine with him ahead because I’m still at the my workplace, he’d text me that he wasn’t able to make it on transit because the last trip to my place had already gone… I would be disheartened but would reply back to him anyway that he can always decide to come the next day… only to realize when I came home late at night that he’s in my room already sleeping soundly on my bed…

… I played along calmly because I believed it was just a joke… he didn’t text the next day, and the next day, and the next day… until I was so profoundly afraid to realize it was indeed real…

I called him a week after that, because I wanted to hear him say it out loud that what he had said on his mobile text message was what he had really decided to do… The voice was a bit colder and a bit confused as well… He probably was not ready for the talk… or perhaps he might had been thinking as well, whether he had to retract his words… well, the later is just my wish… but the truth is glaringly written on the wall… we are not couple anymore…

I was not ready for all of this… or so I think… I just can not accept the fact that he has decided to abandon me (I think the word is appropriate), and realizing that a relationship of 7 years could easily go awry…

I know am not being sane… posting how I feel about this and allowing a stranger to read about what’s inside my thoughts and what I feel in my heart will not resolve all this… it will not even make him come back… Maybe… but at least I can ventilate the horrible feeling of loss… right now it dissipates a bit of the pain… yes it helps… especially when all your closest friends, your confidantes are all away, working in other countries…

I believe, I’m not alone…. Somebody else will eventually read this and will assure me, everything will be okay…