annoying pestilence

He sent me SMS asking for help, and not to greet me on my birthday… I know it was his way of getting my attention because he knew full well that I would help him. I didn’t, and I harshly replied back with cussing and profane words, calling him names and condemning him for difficult life…

When I was done, all my bad energies exhausted and bad words ferried towards his cp number, I felt drained as well. I thought it could unload my pain and revulsion but I was not ultimately resolved. I am not happy I’ve uttered words with so much abhorrence. It wasn’t guilt that I felt afterwards, it was more than that.

I thought a little revenge such as that could appease my soul. It didn’t… I am unfortunately more in pain than before such utterance. And he is becoming more insidious in sending me bad text messages than before… even until this moment when I’m writing this…

How can I move on! How can I get away!...

If this is a war, I have a feeling i will not win this over... If i can, I would be too wasted to live...

plucking off the scab

I sometimes think that I can easily take things lightly no matter how serious the issue would be. But yesterday I was like being struck by thunderbolt, I felt terribly awful. I learned that Biboy’s gf is in fact pregnant for more than 4 months, so that means, they were into that long before he decided to break up with me.

I realize now that one of the major reason’s why he decided to let go of our relationship was that his gf is pregnant. I am confused. I can not define how I suppose to feel. I just know that it is terribly painful and I felt like I am being scorned twice.

For the past two months I have survived being alone and has started rising from solitary recluse, have manage to enjoy life by doing things I don’t normally do. I recently accommodated three to four lovers and have done a marathon of sexual congress spontaneously to three of them. I become a whore, so is my bed. The boys/men I accommodated wildly did not even realize that they were actually alternating, only one of them has been introduced to my family just the way Biboy was during his time. I do not know how long I gonna do this to myself, but I can’t think of a better way to occupy my thoughts during my waking hours. I might be harsh on myself, or to them, but while I was on the verge to any of this activities with this men, they didn’t know that every time I arc my head, I would be looking at his picture on my wall. Insane really, but I think nothing is sane in my life at the moment.

Recently, I am able to introduce one of them to our home. He would sometimes join dinner with us, and my mother would not bother realizing that he is actually sleeping in my room occasionally. So I thought I am almost, almost resolved. But when I heard about the news yesterday, It feels like, I have a wound that’s about to be healed but the scab was plucked even before it dried completely. Now it is bleeding back profusely again.

I want to shout! I want to cry! I want to condemn them… I want to avenge for the pain inflicted… but I also know, it is not a healthy feeling… should I just let myself be scourged by this? All I want for now is for this to just wane away… but every time I feel like I’m almost healed, a part of him would keep coming back to spawn more pain…

tattooed on my mind

I can’t understand myself lately. Pain and enormous boredom has taken a bad toll on my usual vigor towards work and people… In spite of this, I’m not scheming to do some nasty things and create a sinister act that will harm those who are around me. And if I have a magic wand, I could have used it to make me disappear instead in this part of the world. I have a feeling that everything here is turning against my own path on my personal pursuit of happiness.

I just wish that things would be the same as it was few months ago when all I care about this world was (or is, as categorically I still do) the person I love so much…it’s been more than three months already…but just thinking about it now, and the way we were before would generate some sort of lump on my throat, it seems like it’s more comforting to just cry, than suppress sobs and tears…

I still have pictures of his faces on my bedroom wall. I still use our common toothbrush occasionally. I still sleep on his boardshorts… and it would be so dishonest if I won’t admit, I still long to sleep with him like the way we use to when we were still couple…

I even browse my old personal journal books and recall entries/dates when we were together. I know it’s not a good idea to do that, but it is like a panacea for me, it can take out some pain while recalling the good times together… the effect however is just palliative, because once I’d go back to reality I can not do something to spurn out the source of pain and emptiness. Well, separation anxiety is not an issue I can handle too well …

another night with LC...

The second day of the Congress went well without any such remarkable events. I just sat there at our usual table and did not move to other rooms during the simultaneous sessions. When the 1^st plenary session was over at the start of the day the rest of my companions including Kenneth moved to seek for better topics while I was fixed at the chair where I sat because I was busy doing my blog.

The 2^nd day was definitely not exciting. Or perhaps I was just too fixated to the event of that previous night. I still had his smell on my nostrils and the memory was too fresh to savor. I made a peek at his booth before going in the Hall. He didn’t see me passed by, he was so serious at his laptop. Later I would be on mine too making a blog, and it was solely about what had happened during that previous night with him.

Two of my companions were looking at my blog while I was busy typing for another posting. They were so amused they didn’t expect it could lead that way although one of them said that she realized it could possibly happen, the fact that he accepted the invitation for the KTV chu-chu! Well, the blog posting had actually spared me from explaining to them what transpired during that evening, I just let them read it.

Later in the afternoon I sent SMS to his # asking whether he had decided to transfer to our room. He said he had already found another accommodation that’s far better than where he checked-in the previous day. I couldn’t help asking him again to just drop the accommodation and go with us at the hotel where I and Ken stayed. He said he can’t, and went on to remark further that he needed a better sleep… he said however that we have to dine together that night. So I waited until the evening…

He was already at the lobby when I went down. I was so glad as well Kenneth were with his cousins and they took Ken somewhere else; by that I would be alone with him and it would be less awkward for us to talk about things we needed to know from each other. He acted as guide since he knew the place better than I do. I’ve been to Tagbilaran City twice only, while he’s too familiar with the place as it is his market area. Like I said, he is the Account Executive of their company covering the Central Visayaz area.

He took me to a Mongolian Fastfood and we ordered food that is only familiar to him, I just let him took the reins, he seemed to know things like this, while I also know things like what I did to him the previous night, (hehehe). Later he would prove me wrong, he would confide to have excelled even to the latter… but not to people like me, but to straight girls (and over a hundred times to different girls)… hmmmm..

During the dinner, I asked him courageously about what he thought on what happened between us the other night. He remarked back without apprehension or remorse, that he didn’t like it, although he enjoyed the act. He said that it was not suppose to mean anything, he just did that because he was so curious about doing it with a gay and I was someone he could possibly trust. (Perhaps I couldn’t be trusted precisely since I was on the verge of broadcasting what happened to us to all my closest friends…). Well, I haven’t revealed his identity yet although some of my friends were able to see the face and know the name of the guy via blogging and friendster. I just hope he wouldn’t be able to discover my blogsite and read blogs about him.

After the dinner he asked me to walk with him around city and to the pier so he would know the schedules for the next day’s trips. We argued on certain things while we were on our way; like I insinuated that he just didn’t like to admit he really like being pursued by gays and he like being sexually involved with persons like me. He would insist however that he is a straight-male individual and there’s no way he would be involved passionately into a homosexual relationship. Of course I didn’t delve too much on the issue for fear I might lose my chances of getting laid again by this cute guy.

I have to admit it was so interesting to have talked with him on various things, I didn’t even notice we have walked to and fro between the hotel and the pier. Sometimes when I get too serious and argumentative, he would put on a stupid face and we would laugh together like we really knew each other for so long. He stayed at the hotel for a while and we continued talking more seriously, and occasionally I would ask him to stay again for the night. He was so adamant not to, he said it was enough that we did it once. He said it again that he doesn’t like to be involved, he just wanted us to be friends.

I wish we can be more than that. I would have wished to have him for me forever. I know my being desperate had made me long for another lover but I have to admit as well that of all the guys who could be available at this present time, he is the most lovable, passionate (quite in bed) and affectionate as well. I know also that it was still so short a time to consider him that, but I really have an enormous and unexplainable affinity towards him. The rest of my friends who attended the PCC who knew what happened between us would comment that he was indeed a nice catch.

Kenneth caught us talking in my bed when he arrived at around 10pm, so Ken had decided to go down the bar to look for preys as well. I know he was trying to give us space.

Well he stayed until almost midnight, we talked some more until we barely answer each other back because we were both sleepy already.

When he left, he didn’t look back. When I asked why thru SMS, he replied that he doesn’t like to be held back.

Its cliché but its true, some good things can not be kept forever. The whole experience could be imprinted in my soul forever, and its something that I would replay in my memory for as long as I could possibly recall. I only have his picture (taken by Ken during the last Plenary session) his number and his e-mail address but I do not have any assurance I could see him back again… the way he spoke on me that night, he seemed like to mean that it was suppose to be like a one-time-thing only…

I hope the universe will someday conspire to make our path cross again…

the final closure

So there is a girl who has offered more than enough love that he’d allowed himself to be swept carelessly away… I wished to talk to her and know her in person, but what’s the point? I know it will kill me seeing the person who stole him away from me. The way it goes, it seemed like he is terribly in love with that girl and then I realized that if I do have the same love, or if mine was more than she could offer, I think I needed to let him go because that will make him happier..

I never realized, although I suspected that there is this third person… I learned that they had been together for over 3 months, it was finally the girl who sent me a SMS the other day using his phone to make me realize that she really does exist and that I’ve no right to bother them again. I called to confirm and I heard the girl’s voice… its like I’m allowing a person to stab me at my heart and I submitted to pain and savor the piercing and excruciating injury…

Suddenly it became clear why he was behaving differently in the past few months… Should I hate him because he finally found someone just right for him? I know I could not offer him everything especially his need for heterosexual longings…

Ate Warly, (the mother of his best friend, John) tried to convince both of us to talk to each other just so we can move on without hating each other…. Although I know that it is not the point why we had to, since no matter how I would try to find ways to hate him, I couldn’t. I love him just intensely as I have loved him before. I love him all the time and I still love him desperately until now…

My mind seems to conspire with my heart sometimes to make certain effort to fight for this relationship. I know the people around me keeps on reminding me there’s certainly no more reason to keep this relationship intact.

He had decided to end this firmly without any second thoughts, he was certainly definite when he uttered his words of goodbye. He had said some painful words I never thought he could say. I’d wished I never have to hear his harsh words, but I would agree later that it helped having heard the painful truth he had been keeping to himself, because I knew it will aid for my moving on… but just like what I said earlier it will not take away all my love for him.

My heart is certainly stubborn. Perhaps I am a little bit masochistic, only that there is no apparent pleasure in having realized that I am ultimately being abandoned by the very person I wanted to keep forever…

a lost, restless soul

Sleepless nights could probably make your soul levitate and wander into familiar places with unfamiliar ambience… I just thought that perhaps this is how our psyche would react to certain common things and events that abruptly ceased to exist…

Like when I am home, I know the place very well and I know the usual things I’d do and I feel the usual lightness of just being there and the thought that I am okay because then somewhere several miles from where I am he is okay too… but yesterday and the last few days after he vanished, it just seemed different even when I’m in the same world…

Recently however, I’d be aware that I am home and I am lying on my bed pretending to understand the book that I am reading... yet it seemed to be that my soul does not exist in that room, my thoughts is somewhere else, it could not understand what I’m reading, it could not process the various wavelengths of noise it heard, it could not interpret how to feel the coolness of the room in the afternoon wind… my feelings is even numb it could not construe what pain to suffer, what grief to console, what love to protect, what affection to pursue, what passion to desire and what sexual longing to satiate…

I think I’m in denial stage… I e-mailed to ask a psychologist-friend who is now living in a far away country about this because I do not seem to think and feel like normal… I knew what exact words she would tell me because she advised and consoled me before about similar issue, and this is not precisely my first time… I have lost a 9-yr relationship before, but the last one was different…

I wondered why I just can’t cry easily, grieve deeply, so I would be resolved and forget the whole thing (without pretending) afterwards and then move on?...

I have read sometime, somewhere that when your system can not accept the event and you are still in denial you will have to suffer the trauma much longer. If it is then, I guess I’m not about to get over him yet…

If I have to be honest with myself, I can tell that there is just one single thought that is lurking in my mind… that someday, somehow he will manage to come back… and that is certainly the only prayer I am silently chanting in my heart…

abandoned...

I do not know how to start... This is definitely my first time to make a blog, but something in me keeps on pushing to make a post this time even just to ventilate what I've been thinking lately...

I haven't slept well for almost a month now, and if I could, I frequently wake up in the middle of the night feeling disoriented, confused and afraid... During my wake hours, I would ponder on what could have been the reason why a relationship could go wrong in just a blink of an eye…

It was almost a month already when I received the last series of his mobile text messages…”Ingat (take good care)… I love you too…” - from him… after 2 hours he texted again, “pls ayaw na pagtext, gusto ra jud nako mapag-isa… pls ra… wlay kay sala… (pls do not text me anymore, I just wanna be alone…)…

I could think a lot of reasons why he opted to let go of our relationship without even formally, or at least telling me in person about this. I thought at first it was just his usual joke, like, you know, making a schedule to come home in my place, and then when I’d inform my mother to dine with him ahead because I’m still at the my workplace, he’d text me that he wasn’t able to make it on transit because the last trip to my place had already gone… I would be disheartened but would reply back to him anyway that he can always decide to come the next day… only to realize when I came home late at night that he’s in my room already sleeping soundly on my bed…

… I played along calmly because I believed it was just a joke… he didn’t text the next day, and the next day, and the next day… until I was so profoundly afraid to realize it was indeed real…

I called him a week after that, because I wanted to hear him say it out loud that what he had said on his mobile text message was what he had really decided to do… The voice was a bit colder and a bit confused as well… He probably was not ready for the talk… or perhaps he might had been thinking as well, whether he had to retract his words… well, the later is just my wish… but the truth is glaringly written on the wall… we are not couple anymore…

I was not ready for all of this… or so I think… I just can not accept the fact that he has decided to abandon me (I think the word is appropriate), and realizing that a relationship of 7 years could easily go awry…

I know am not being sane… posting how I feel about this and allowing a stranger to read about what’s inside my thoughts and what I feel in my heart will not resolve all this… it will not even make him come back… Maybe… but at least I can ventilate the horrible feeling of loss… right now it dissipates a bit of the pain… yes it helps… especially when all your closest friends, your confidantes are all away, working in other countries…

I believe, I’m not alone…. Somebody else will eventually read this and will assure me, everything will be okay…